Letter to the DNC Direct Marketing Department

revised DNC envelope


Attn: Lauren Williams
Director of Direct Marketing
Democratic National Committee
430 South Capitol Street, SE
Washington, DC 20003


Dear Ms. Williams:

I recently received your URGENT, TIME-SENSITIVE MATERIALS. Thank you for trusting me with such important items.

One small suggestion: While the PACKAGE TRACKING NUMBER, WEIGHT, ZONE, DECLARED VALUE, and SENDER’S ACCOUNT NUMBER stamps sure make this letter seem mighty official, they also use a lot of ink.

You could say the same thing in far fewer characters. I’ve taken the liberty of enclosing an alternate stamp that conveys the message more succinctly. It says: “WE THINK YOU’RE AN IDIOT”.

Not only will this stamp save gallons of ink, but it will make your pitch more effective. Recipients will think, “Well, at least they’re being honest.”

Or, here’s an even better solution: Just stop it with the transparent BS. Do you really think any registered voters or, more importantly, people with bank accounts, will feel a sudden wave of pride and self-importance to be the recipient of URGENT, TIME-SENSITIVE MATERIALS with their very own fake PACKAGE TRACKING NUMBER?

These techniques were tired and stupid 50 years ago. I’m sure you’ve done A/B tests to “prove” they work, short-term. But surely you can come up with less insulting and more effective ways to trick people into opening your envelopes. Appeal to their curiosity with time-tested click-bait techniques: “9 Republican Outrages and How We’re Fighting Back”, or whatever.

Enough with the conventional direct mail wisdom. Be creative and forward-thinking. Please don’t send us letters you would find insulting.

Sincerely,

Earl Vickers