Attracting a Mate
The male penguin's problem is: how can you stand out when you're surrounded by tens of thousands of almost identical-looking animals? How do you keep from looking like just another big, clumsy, dickless, flightless bird in a tux?
Well, you could try the Ecstatic Display. Approach a group of females, stand up tall and take several deep breaths, pumping your chest in and out. Then arch your flippers back and make a loud, harsh braying sound. This should get their attention.
Once you've picked out a potential mate, do a droll little waddle while making comical head movements from side to side females find this irresistibly attractive. Don't be put off if she ignores you and begins grooming herself or observing her surroundings; she's just playing hard-to-get. Sidle up to her and walk around in a circle so she can see your fine black dinner jacket, your starched white shirt, your plump stout body and its comparatively tiny little head.
Next, offer your prospective female a well-chosen pebble, preferably a shiny, multi-faceted one costing a wing and a flipper. If she accepts this as a token of your affection, the match is on. (If not, you may have picked an unready female or even another male, a common mistake.)
After enjoying a brisk cold-water swim or tobogganing together through the snow, it's time to eat. Walk several hundred miles for sushi and bring some back for your lover. During dinner, look deeply into her tiny eyes. Notice the curve of her beak, the smell of fish on her breath. If you really want to make her feel like your "baby," try throwing up in her mouth.
Make occasional loud cackling sounds while slapping your flippers against your side. Then, arching your back and stretching upwards, bring your heads together in a Mutual Trumpeting Display so everyone will realize what an adorable couple you are.
Now head back to the nest for a wild night of hugging and beak-rubbing. Turn on the air conditioner, set the thermostat to 40° below zero and push the button marked "hurricane force winds." Begin by preening around your mate's neck and beak. If she reciprocates, this is called the "kiss preen." When the two of you just can't stand how cute you are, break out in a Loud Mutual Display, waving your necks back and forth while cackling affectionately.
Finally, off with the formal wear it's time to attempt a copulation! Approach her from behind, gently beating your wings against her sides while rubbing your neck against hers. Then rub her stomach while patting her head. If you're doing it right, she will turn her head so your bills make contact. Nows your chance. Mount her from behind and perform the Cloacal Kiss. Try not to roll off!
Stand out in the cold for two months balancing an egg on your feet.
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